akimynation

lend me your eyes, I can change what you see.

Graduation

3r casual

This is for you mama. All my successes are yours too. For everything you did for us, Every sacrifice and hard work, not just that but even the little things too.

Because “Thank you” won’t be enough.

Because  whenever I would say thank you for all the things you do, You would only say : “Why do you say “Thank you” ,You will only understand what I’m doing when you understand unconditional love.

And no matter how many letters to you I’ve posted in this blog, I pray and hope that God is kind enough to deliver these to you. Because I just sincerely want you to know how much I miss you and how much I want you here with me , because I want to share every success with you.

Because in the end, it does not matter how high I may achieve. But what matters is to whom I share them with.

And no matter how much it hurts I have no choice but to stay strong until we meet again, In God’s perfect time.

 

When you’re old…

When you’re older, you’ll realize that the opinions of others don’t factor into your true happiness.

Someone told me that having fun is far too different from being happy.

But what is true happiness? from someone who has read several books on how to attain happiness, it must be a matter of mindset, and not circumstance. But sometimes the things you do, the situation you’re in can deprive you of a happy mindset. Such things as a bad day, or something as shallow as how other people see you. Does it really matter? will this really play into true happiness? Even up till now I’m still figuring that out. A quote once said, those who matter don’t mind, and those who do mind, don’t matter. Still in the middle of my adolescent years with a lot of questions swarming in my mind. I just hope i will reach a time when life will finally be explained to me. till then. I need guidance.

I’ll be here by the ocean just waiting for proof that there’s sunsets and silhouette dreams. . .

I lately find myself listening to the music of my teenage days.

So far, it has saved me from the emotional rollercoaster I’ve been through brought by the changing of my Internship duty assignment and the heat and stress that comes with it.

One thing has been running through my mind these past few months, and it’s been bothering me ever since.. Why the heck did I not enroll in Journalism or Literature and pursue my dreams of becoming a writer and a published author?Well I’ve been through this argument with myself before. Battles of the mind as I call it.

In the world we live in today, people are driven not by passion or dreams, but instead are driven by practicality and survival skills.  Such was the principles racing through my mind when I chose this medical related course. Of course ever since I was probably in the 2nd grade, I started writing amateur short stories. One story I called “Jack and Petunia” a love story derived from Jack and Rose’s The Titanic.

So what if I used to fantasize of wild entities in our gardens and made myself believe of magic portals beneath our Rose bush.

Where did that imagination go little girl?  I ask myself.

It’s been replaced with thoughts of Science: e.g. the muscles, where do they originate and insert? How can one bone deformity or nerve damage affect the whole mechanism of a person’s body?

These critical thinking ways have shadowed my art of transporting myself into a dream fantasy world.

How I miss that little kid who used to play Mermaid with her best friend in a crowded pool, That little girl who’d climb up trees thinking beautiful creatures will be waiting to play with her up there, that girl who climbs on top of the roof to watch the mountains while listening to The Eagles, and how about that kid who imagined the nearby monster alley every time she’d go for a bike ride?

Is this all the fruit of being in a survival mode world? Or is this the proof that a once happy little girl have grown up to face all the hard facts of life.

Either way,

I will never forget you, little girl.

Here I state a promise of pursuing your dreams, once I am done with mine.

Tower (For Allyza)

Such an inspiring gesture!!

Writings From Dr. Oolie's Pond

Eiffel-Tower-paris-215498_1024_683
It stands tall and strong
A symbol of not giving in
When the wind blows just right, I can hear the tower’s song
Strengthening my bones that usually feel like porcelain
It is a reminder that I can conquer whatever may be going wrong
And regardless of what life may throw my way, I can win

DRM 2013

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Not Just an Ordinary Tower

In the year 1889,Gustave Eiffel erected what will soon be the most iconic landmark in the world known to man. Located in Paris,France, a city of rich history and beauty, the Eiffel tower remains to be my beacon of hope in this almost hopeless world.

When I was young, me and my mother watched Mr.Bean’s vacation in Paris. We bought a dvd titled A good year,and we rented a movie called Only you. Ever since then, the dream started. I wanted to see the tower with my very eyes.

Its not just any ordinary man- made famous landmark. It stands tall & strong amidst the cold and changing weather, it surpassed so many changes. It remained still and same for 124 years. It is undeniable, that not only it, but its city as well is a lost nostalgic memory of a supposed  alternate dream reality.

If I could stand infront of it, I know I can’t help but get teary-eyed. One might think it superficial, but there’s actually a story behind, a story of wanting, a story of losing, and a story of surviving.

From my rebel days, to the aching loss of my mother, to my distant father, to my only brother, to my failed dreams, to my enemies and bullies, to this incessant feeling of being poor, I just know there’s more to life than this. And I just know, seeing that tower with my very eyes would not only symbolize how far Ive come, how Ive surpassed all the challenges, but of also how I came through strong and standing tall amidst the hard rocks thrown at a young innocent girl. How I fought back, and proved to life that no matter how hard it becomes, I will always fight back. Because I too, deserve to be happy. I just know, one day, I can prove it all.

Hardships can break people, But it too, can build character.

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Osho

Writings From Dr. Oolie's Pond

“If you love a flower, don’t pick it up.
Because if you pick it up it dies and it ceases to be what you love.
So if you love a flower, let it be.
Love is not about possession.
Love is about appreciation.”

― Osho

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Facing Tomorrows

Dreaming of the same place over and over again,  I just know I am meant to be there. Whether to stay or to visit, to tour or to explore, I am meant to travel Europe.
It calls to me, when I am awake and In my dreams.
On the dawn of August 5, 2012, Me and Cherryl were bound to leave on a plane going to Paris. It was a gift from my Kuya. The cherry on top of it all was that Adam Levine was to go with us,  handsomely waiting for us at the airport.

Imagine the excitement of a blind who is given sight. The feeling was real, as if I can’t help myself from the overwhelming euphoria. I didn’t even care when asked if I had a camera, I didn’t bring one but it didn’t matter, I am going to be there.

“This is the perfect time to find myself” I told my friend as I was reminiscing my mother’s face. ” She’s never coming back?’ I asked. No answer. I must have really missed her.

So I presented my documents to the migration officer who held my fate. She gave me hard time with all the questions until she stamped my ticket and passport. I was through, I am really going to TRAVEL TO PARIS.

I could not wait to see the Museums, the restaurants, the side attractions, the streets, the underground chaos, the rustic cafes, the snob crowd.

I could not wait to indulge on the World’s history, the Conspiring theories and stories, the sight of Eiffel.

Have you ever tried waking up from a delightful dream, just to find out all of it was never real.  Not even close to real. It does not feel good…. at all.
This dream may tell me of two things I will and may never have. My mama, and a European travel. The projection of my desires are unfailingly well played in that dawn dream, ” She’s never coming back” – I realized. But “I am going to Paris” –  I also dreamed. If I cannot have both, I will take one for sure.

Traveling won’t be as good a motivation as my mother had inspired me. But life calls us to face every tomorrow of our awakenings from a dream. Life goes on, face every tomorrow with a heartstrong spirit that will never bend.

I love you so much mama

Three Days

If you are  a fond reader of this blog, it would be public knowledge that I,  Allyza Kim *** dream of going to Paris.

I am actually saving up for it. So far I’ve got 100 Php.

In my dreams I have seen Paris twice. But that is never enough, is it?

Recently, I have read Helen Keller’s essay “If I had three days to see” and she so profoundly describe what she would do if she had three days of sight.

In my own version, I would describe the things I would do, if I had three days to see Paris.

1st day:

Breakfast at  the Terrace of Le Dôme. A freshly brewed coffee, a baguette tartine, jam and three  delicious mini pastries: croissant, pain au chocolat and pain au raison to start my busy day.

108 boulevard du Montparnasse, 75014

Visit the Musee du Louvre and stare at Da Vinci’s Mona Lisa for a considerable period of time

Step outside and stare at the Pyramid de Louvre for at least an hour

Louvre Pyramid

Walk to the side and sit by the river Seine which is in view of the Eiffel and watch people pass by.

Visit a fountain, throw a peso coin and make a wish.

Find a baker and a local bakeshop to teach me how to bake croissants.
Buy a rose

Bring that rose to dinner in Chez Marie

2nd day:

Ladurée-Champs-Elysées, a tea salon, for a sit-down continental breakfast.

located at 75, avenue des Champs-Elysées

Visit the Louvre for the second time and stare at Monet

Go shopping in  Louvre – Tuileiries and Faubourg Saint –  Honore

Louis Vuitton Paris

Buy me a good book in vintage boutique/ bookstore

Drink coffee and read by a bench beside the Eiffel

Maybe meet a local gentleman with killer french accent.

Watch a play on the Palais Garnier (or simply the Paris Opera)

Paris Opera

3rd day:

Tour around the city of Paris in a Beetle.

Learn French history

Arc de triomphe Paris – commissioned in 1806 after the victory at Austerlitz by Emperor Napoleon

Cathedrale- Notre Dame de Paris – Fact: there never was a real hunchback.

Take a walk on the Montmartre at sundown

 

Stare at the Eiffel at night and whisper to myself  “Je t’aime, Au revoir

 

Eiffel at night

DISCLAIMER: Photos provided by google

Jeepney ride home

There are jeepneys everywhere. They go in different directions and routes.

When put in a situation of choosing, which route will you take?

The one that gives you fun and leisure, or the one that takes you home?

From the place where we stand in that little corner of the street, Jeepneys drive by as we are to choose our destination.

Where do you want to go?

For the past few years, I have been on my own battling the crowded streets. From school, I look at people choosing their next paths. Some say “lets go have fun” or some  “I don’t want to go home”

It got me wondering, Have I been right to choose to say “Go ahead, I’m going home”

Riding a o4c jeep to the University of San Carlos Main Campus, 10F going to Basak, 44A going to Camella and a tricycle going straight to our house.

It seems a long way from home, blending in the busy rhythm of busy streets and rush hours.

As I arrive, I realize my one worthy destination: Home.

Nothing can compare to a warm love a family.

A mother who provides love and utmost comfort. A brother who offers a ready support and strength. When a family is together, there is nothing more complete than that.

We may make wrong turns or make wrong decisions to take wrong destinations, but we can always choose to ride our way back.

So when given a chance, choose where your heart wants to go. Choose what your heart holds most important.

Take the long jeepney ride home.

 

 

Her Love in my Life

This next Post will be about the person who is the cause of my bliss for 20 years and the cause of my pain for 15 days.

MAMA:

She is my hero.  Now she is my angel.

Taught me everything about life, from the simple ABC’s, to spelling out my name, to sewing, cooking, putting on make up,smiling and laughing.

She always told me to make my own and never follow the norm. She taught me how to love books, which opened up a wide world to me, then we would both share knowledge in stories. Her tough but unconditional love made me content with everything I have and made me dream bigger for she told me the world is my playground and I have numerous possibilities.

All along through all these things she taught me how to love myself and love life.

“Life is hard. But life goes on.” She used to say. She trained me to become unlike any other girl my age. She made me climb our roof to clean dry leaves and chop overgrown trees, she taught me at a young age  how to cook various but limited number of dishes. She taught me how to properly take out stubborn stains out of white clothes. I sweat much for we both cleaned the house  inside out.

She used to expect much from me but then later on settled to the mediocrity I am only able to give. Knowing my limited mind, she would patiently read out questions out of my lessons as if she were a game show host, and I the contestant, would answer eagerly knowing this would help me pass my hard exams.

Amidst all my imperfections as a daughter, She loved me with all her heart and wanted me to reach my full potential as a lady.

It is seen in the way she takes care of me. Going home would be like going home to a salon. Wherein, mama would clean and paint my nails, dye and cut my hair, and even bleach my skin. It was the ultimate mother-daughter bond any girl could ask for.

Its easy to have a mother whom you are so open with, whom you can just randomly hug and kiss anytime of the day, whom you talk with about anything before you go to sleep every night, whom you tickle and giggle with, and just openly appreciate every little detail of a mother’s love.

When the inevitable comes, you can’t help but think that death is real. People you love are taken away, they say everything has a reason, were not meant to know it I guess. Sometimes you get your last chance with them without even knowing it, never having  to say goodbye.  Sometimes there are no next times, sometimes you lose someone and you feel like your heart has melted into a hard rock. And sometimes there is just nothing you can do to make things better, or make the pain go away.

I start to question why this happened and I ask an imaginary listener, “why?” and “just why?”

All along I just never realized it. Everything I did was for her, I strived in school for her, I had big dreams for her. I wanted to bring her to places with me and make her happy and proud of me.

I could not even imagine facing the things she would miss in my life:  my graduation, my first job, my first salary, which was reserved for her, my travels and adventures which I planned for our family, my wedding, my first child who would’ve called her “Lola” (grandmother). It just aches to know she won’t have those experiences with me, or worse, I won’t have those experiences with my mother.

All there is left to say as a witness to her life is just her beauty is timeless.

Her love is unconditional, unwarranting.

Describing her life is like describing each pixel of the rainbow.

She’s an adventure.

Her smile, her warm embrace, keeps replaying in my mind as if I’ve touched and seen her just yesterday.

Somehow I just try to find strength in my memories with her.

Surely no one can replace the best in the world.

I love you so much MA ♥

-I’ll always be your little girl 🙂